I believe the rules are to first have good bourbon, then find a wholesome woman/man. Once the first two have been completed, then cap it by disappointing at least one of the two. The novel will then be waiting on you.
My only real crime was buying enough household cleaning materials to make the place tidy for a lady, then mixing them together to make a cheap version of Mean Green until I eventually got bored enough to smoke it. Also I lost the kickass handle bar mustache.