Quitters Delight- Day 30
I’ve decided to change this tumblr account to one of those that most people hate to read, and write an actual blog. However it will be based off the fact that I’ve decided to quit a somewhat well -paying job in order to go back to school. As I have no job prospects lined up for when I quit, as well as no school that’s fully accepted me, I expect this to be a fairly bleak and as such probably will not interest anyone who has a meme on their account. As I have an account filled with memes, I’ve decided to also read this blog, so feel free to comment as I don’t give a fuck. I completely agree that I suck, maybe not ass but perhaps balls. I should add that to my dear three followers who’ve liked my memes containing witty dialogue and pictures of inspiring quotes, please note that I stole that shit from google images. Still, there’s no purer form of entertainment than theft.
Today marks my thirtieth day until I am officially unemployed. I’m in my ____ and have just moved into a cabin in the woods that my family owns. It’s a bit like Thoreau’s Walden Pond except with more alcohol and less pussy. So instead of writing in a transcendentalist style, which Thoreau certainly helped create, I’d like to call my style of writing masturbationalism. I just prefer the enunciation.
The cabin is quaint, which means it’s small as shit and there are bugs everywhere. In retrospect, I just left a three bedroom house with full central air & heat, high speed Comcast internet and TV, functioning showers, dishwasher, and washer and dryer for a quaint cabin in the middle of the woods of Georgia which possesses none of those things. Currently I’m sitting outside to write this as mosquitoes suck in my whiskey tainted blood, because inside the cabin there contains a smell of my Dollar General hand-sanitizer washed balls which overpower any other senses.
I say let those mosquitos enjoy the bourbon that’s soaking into their livers, if bugs have livers, because fuck them really. I hope they burn in hell to be honest, blood sucking bitches. And they probably will burn in hell, because don’t vampires go to hell. Unless you’re a part of one of those religions that don’t believe in hell, or just consider yourself intelligent, then you might have reason for discord. My philosophy is for us all to smoke a bowl, and then consider that idea brought forth to the table. If you have dank, please share with the other readers. Don’t let them have the green hit though. I’ve been told of an ancient wives’ tale that smoking dank with a schwag smoker is very contagious, and you can easily get the stem and seed sickness. There is no cure. I call it the Otto’s Virus. As there is an actually Flander’s Virus out there somewhere, which I imagine WebMD lists as having a neighbor who hates you and ducks to get a bobby pin while your wife is struck by a shirt cannon and falls off a bleacher stand to her death, why the fuck not have a virus for the coolest bus driver since that doesn’t give Jamaican tour rides?
Getting back to my balls. Work today sucked balls, and trust me, I tried to join in, though I haven’t fully committed to having the rib that Marilyn Manson “allegedly” removed. It’s so hard caring at a job when you’ve fully decided to quit. You just want to smile and participate and get those numbers up, even though you really don’t care a shit if quotas are met or if people get that pat on the back which doesn’t come with a raise or promotion of any kind.
Don’t get me wrong, I dig my bosses. They are cool cats, and the kids I work with are good people too. But when you decide that this life is over, and have officially announced it to the small world you exist in, it becomes more real than just telling your beta fish who is an asshole because you never buy those weird frozen shrimp that look like the sea monkeys I paid a buck and a half and had neither swords nor cool castles.
I did try to be a normal person, really. We had a big banquet to raise money, and I dressed all out. I showed up early and smiled and escorted very wealthy people who enjoy being led without touching you to seats at a fancy dinner table covered in adornments that were all bought at for less than seven dollars at Walmart. We served them a very nice meal. It was some kind of crab nonsense and potatoes smothered shady white sauce with a closer of frozen cheesecake. A man named Maury, a good guy, was the main cook. He’s also addicted to twinkies and crystal meth. I found this out when he sent me to the store to buy some food for the guest. On his list were the twinkies and a minimum of twenty minutes waiting in the parking lot for a man named Ricko. I know that wasn’t Ricko’s real name, but I don’t blame him, drug selling is definitely not acceptable these days.
So the rich old fucks ate their meals and some famous dickhead, who made me hold his suit coat until I got tired of standing with it and tossed it in the big trash can outside while I smoked a joint with the ENTIRE wait staff, came up to podium to speak. He spoke for twenty five minutes. Now, I will be the first to admit that I don’t advocate drug use and instead say that just saying “no” works 13% of the time. Still I was very happy to be slightly high off horrible schwag. He spoke about drug use, and how it’s decaying the future of our youth, while the stoned wait staff refilled glass and glass of various booze to the old fucks pretending to give a shit about his point.
To be honest, I don’t think he even cared. I found out later that his workforce, can you imagine, gave him the wrong script. He was supposed to be addressing the negativity of abortion clinics and how homosexuality will drive us to brink of destruction. As a novice in such areas, I wondered if he realized that he’s reached his own quota of bullshit and should go back to banging whores and hating his wife (alleged in the paper). However I still have to do my job, and thus smiled and laughed and told him afterward what a great speech it was. As he left the podium, he came up to me. Gazing into my accidently non visined eyes, he just asked where his coat was. I was truly fucked.
“I gave it to the maître d,” I very slowly replied, not realizing that there was no maître d in this particular country club. He was openly unhappy, and decided to complain to my boss. My boss was cool though, and asked what had happened to his jacket.
“We just rose over $100,000 tonight, and you’re seriously worried about his jacket?” I asked in reply, understanding that I only have 30 days left.
“$100,000 or not, he’s a very important man. You need to find his jacket. He won’t leave without it.”
So I dug it out of the trash, in my mediocre suit, and washed off the really bad stains of his ragged out coat. I ran back up with it full of glee and THC.
“It was in the garbage,” I replied. “I guess the person I gave it to just thought it was a missing item and threw it out.”
The famous man walked up past my boss, intentionally breaking through my area of comfort, and said, “This suit cost more than a month of your pay.”
“Then I suppose,” I replied hiding an enormous grin, “that you might want to upgrade your clothing line.”
He stormed off with his entourage of people all desperate to become famous, and cussed at my boss to fire me. I felt bad. My boss is five times the man this asshole pretends to be, so I told him that I set it on a table and it was disappeared. I really piled it on thick, and he laughed and said that it would be alright.
“Nobody likes that asshole anyway.”
Then he gave me the leftovers and said that I’m going to need them soon as I have no job prospect. The flaw in his plan lies in the fact that he doesn’t understand the munching capacity of a recently stoned, always drunken self-respected loser.
The irony is that I have trouble buying into anyone who’s bought into the system. I can’t identify with someone who wants to go home and sleep with a wife that he hates (assumed) waking up every five hours because his annoying kids (assuming) won’t shut the fuck up. Why do we put on these fake smiles and dreamed up egos of ourselves when none of us really expected to live past 30?
Bukowski said that isolation is the gift, and to drink more beer, beer is blood. Then why can’t we fuck up? Why can’t we quit jobs we hate that lead to nowhere? Why are we embarrassed if we fall into the pit of shit and have to declare bankruptcy, and that’s if you happen to know how to do it or even have more than $1.15 in your savings account that’s going to some bunk ass credit card company or car payment that will be out of style in two years? I’d prefer a nice bottle of bourbon and sleeping pills to my end as opposed to self-loathing tactics to appease someone, just because other people decide that you should want to gain their status.
So give me the cabin. Give me the drunken mosquitoes and the ball smell of hatred. At least that’s real. Even those hobos at the side of the highway exits are running a racket. Do we all have to close our eyes and pretend that things are just fine so other people will like our Facebook posts? Fuck these reindeer games.
Anyway, I’m heading back in. There’s a whole season of Firefly, which I will watch after ingesting miscellaneous intoxicants, that is waiting for my arrival quite impatiently. So I guess to say for my three readers, till tomorrow, just make it another 24.